Control

I cannot control what happens in the world around me. But I can control how I respond to what is happening around me.

Well, that is what I tell myself. I am just as guilty as the next person when it comes to freaking out about things that are beyond my control. If I am not careful, my thoughts can get away from me like a runaway freight train.

Why do we do this to ourselves? What are we hoping to achieve? Is it a form of self punishment? Are we simply a bunch of masochists?

I think that we like to believe that we are in control. Control gives us a sense of safety and security. And yet this sense of safety is based on a fantasy. As there is very little we are actually in control of.

If anything this pandemic and associated outcomes ought to teach us, is that we have much less control than what we thought we did. As a collective group we are discovering what it feels like to realise our lack of control. Remember; we are all in this together guys.

During lockdown the majority of people stayed in their homes, their bubbles. (I am finding that word increasingly irritating. Bubble.) While uncertain and scary things were happening in the world, most of us could find solace in the safety of an environment we could control.* Our homes. But what happens when it is time to leave our homes and re-engage with the world? Yes that is right. At some point, no matter how scared you may be, you will need to reemerge from your bubble and go out and about your life. Adults will need to return to work. Children will need to return to school.

People will be leaving an environment that they control, and going back out into a world that they have no control over. For most people that is scary.

Below is a list of some of the things we cannot control:

We cannot control when a vaccine becomes available, if one does.

We cannot control what our government decides to do tomorrow.

We cannot control the coming global economic recession.

We cannot control the trade war between China and America.

We cannot control what our friends post on Facebook.

We cannot control what other people choose to think, believe or be afraid of.

We cannot control what other people choose to do.

There is a difference between acknowledging our feelings of anxiety and fixating on our anxious thoughts. Fixating your worry on what you cannot control is exhausting. All it does is create more anxiety for yourself. I know from experience. I have the sleepless nights to prove it.

Is it helpful to stress myself out about this situation? Or any situation? Will I be able to change anything through the power of anxious thinking?

There could be people who have only just realised what little control they have. There will be people who are terrified by the lack of control they realise that they don’t actually have. Guaranteed.

This could be a growth opportunity for some to learn how to let go of the things they cannot control. Call it embracing vulnerability. Call it cognitive behaviour therapy. Letting go of the things we cannot control is good for our mental health and well being.

An unhelpful thing to do right now, would be to seek to tighten the reins of control even harder. Especially if that involves attempting to control people. Seeking to control people in order to feel safe, is like playing a game of Russian roulette. Because no one likes to be controlled. You may get the compliance that you are seeking. Or you may get a nasty push back. Particularly if you have made the mistake of trying to control someone who is trying to control you.

When we frighten and control people into compliance, we may feel safer around them. But they most probably won’t feel safe with us.

As I consider controlling behaviour, I wonder if perhaps I could be guilty of this.

Could I be tempted to use passive aggression to control other people? I may not be an aggressive person, but I am sure I could find other ways to scare people.

Control is a liar. Being in control will not provide us with what we most want. It cannot provide us with acceptance, belonging and love. Letting go of control and choosing vulnerability will.

*Yes I am aware that not everyone is ‘safe’ in their homes during lockdown. Domestic violence, unemployment etc. That is why I used the term ‘most of us’ and not ‘all of us’.