Losing My Religion

There are so many unanswered questions faith and spirituality fail to satisfy. It doesn’t help that many of our questions revolve around issues of pain. Why did that happen? Or didn't happen? How is it that bad things happen to good people, or, and more to the point, how is it that good things happen to bad people?

Faith can survive our questions. Not everyone has been told this. I think some begin to question, and as a result may prematurally label themselves an ‘unbeliever’. They assumed they had lost their faith, when in reality they were just unsure. The truth is that when there are doubts and questions, you are not alone. There are whole books of the Bible where the main characters had doubts. When Job questioned God, God didn’t respond with angry despondency “Oh fantastic. I’ve lost another one.”

If everyone of faith is honest, we have all been there.

I have spent the past several months wondering if faith is really worth it. I have given so much with so little to show for it. I have been betrayed by people I had been willing to lay down my life in running this race of faith with. I have been lied to, lied about. This has been one of the most painful spiritual seasons of my life.

Before I couldn’t understand why someone could walk away from their faith. This is where that old trope comes in; were they really believers to begin with? Now I understand. I understand what it means to have questions clawing upwards seemingly from the core of your being. Afraid to speak it out in case you frighten others. Someone is struggling with their faith?! Code Red! Code Red! What do we do? Do we throw scriptures and platitudes their way, or avoid them completely? It could be contagious after all.

I think perhaps that some of us are intimidated by the doubt of others because we never learnt how to face our own.

The funny thing is when you write or speak about something publically, there are those who automatically assume that you must be some kind of expert. (I am no expert on the matters I write about. My writing style is more of a ‘process out loud’ kind of jazz.)

We are not used to seeing people sharing on their struggle while in the midst of the struggle. Usually, people wait until they believe that they have achieved some kind of victory over the struggle. They have achieved the upper hand and can present themselves as an expert on the matter. People look to them for the answers, because spiritually they have ‘made it’. We like to share about a difficult season after the fact. It’s much safer that way. The appearance of vulnerability with less of the ... well you know ... vulnerability. (Don’t even get me started on pseudo vulnerability versus genuine vulnerability. Quick vulnerability test: Could someone use this information about me to hurt me? Yes? Then that is vulnerability)

Ironically, when Jesus hand picked his disciples, they were not ‘Jesus following’ experts. They had no choice but to figure it out along the way. They didn’t always get it right. They made mistakes. Jesus chose imperfect people to be the foundation for his Church. And it has been that way ever since.

If we are honest, none of us really know what we are doing. We are trying to follow Jesus the best way that we can. We are a bunch of screw ups and misfits figuring out how to love and to forgive and to heal, even in the midst of our own brokenness. And there are always people standing on the outside, happy to remind us how terrible we are. Trust us. We know we could be doing better.

I know I am not a perfect christian when I am over here wondering whether Christianity is for me.

If you are a christian, did that last sentence just trigger you?

If so then reading the Bible must be quite the unsettling experience for you. Do we even remember how many people in the good book struggled with doubt? I am comforted by the reality that doubt is a theme that weaves it way through the story of faith. In this season, I remind myself of them. When they doubted, they didn’t immediately run out and stock up on Hitchens and Dawkins. Most of them made it through. Some a little worse for wear. But they made it through all the same.

I used to think that God wanted perfect christians. That he was looking for superheroes to stand on podiums and inspire. The Lord’s anointed ones. It hadn’t occurred to me that maybe he wanted relationship with imperfect individuals he knew would trip over, but who would also take his hand and get back up and try again.

Maybe it’s not Christianity that I’m done with after all.

Maybe it’s just time to lay down narcissistic religion. No more measuring ourselves against some man made standard of righteousness and the crushing weight of senseless people pleasing. Enough of all the competing against each other and comparing ourselves with one another. There has to be more than the tiring old establishment way of doing things. Maybe we don’t have to have all the answers. Could it be that uncertainty and mystery add colour to life?

Also, how about no more superstar saints? Actually how about no more superstar anything?

Could we simply all agree that we are imperfect and we are enough?