Path to Forgiveness

“When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then we forgive it.”

Lewis Smedes

Forgiveness is interesting isn't it.

When someone has caused us great pain, it can seem illogical to want to forgive them. Why would I want to feel warm and fuzzy feelings toward someone like that?

It seems counter-intuitive. The greater the wound, the more likely forgiveness is the last thing on our mind. Maybe it comes from strange ideas we have about punishment. Maybe it stems from unhealthy ideas that we may have been taught about forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. Forgiveness is not pretending that something never happened. If someone was intentionally cruel and/or abusive, then that is something you don’t pretend away.

To forgive someone does not mean that you automatically have to trust them or build a relationship with them.

Danny Silk says that “you can’t have reconciliation without repentance.” To repent is to acknowledge what it is that you you have done wrong. And then, after acknowledging it, choosing not to do it again. For someone to repent for hurting someone, is to empathise with the person and the pain that they have caused. They must be willing to change their behaviour as to not hurt the person or people again. If they refuse to do these things, then they have not repented. You need not endanger yourself by attempting to reconcile with that particular person.

Grace is free, but trust is earned.

Unforgiveness actually continues a soul tie link with that person. That's one of the reasons why you may find it impossible to break free and stop being tormented by thoughts about them. To forgive is to be set free from that person. Free to move forward and move on. In most cases, the person who hurt you has probably moved on with their lives and you’re the only one who is still suffering. You may think that you are punishing the other party, but in actual fact, you are punishing yourself.

Forgiveness brings a measure of freedom and healing.

I know that it is difficult to forgive when we have been hurt. I know.

What is worse is when that person refuses to admit what they have done.

I had a spiritual leader/mentor/friend who abused our relationship by taking advantage of my trust and vulnerability. He lied to me, manipulated me. Information that I shared with him in trust, he stored up to use against me. Which he did.

Once he realised he couldn’t control me as he had hoped to. He switched tactics. He denied having said certain things when confronted (even if it had been recorded). He lied about me to others. Sadly he continues to lie about me and members of my family. I am not one who trusts people very easily. This was a massive betrayal. Once I realised what the relationship actually was, I was pretty crushed to say the least. I have since discovered that this person has treated others in a similar fashion over a period of time. And since this is an ongoing pattern, there seems to be very little hope for repentance.

It is painful to acknowledge that someone I considered a very important person in my life, never really cared for me as a person.That the relationship was never real. It is much easier to forgive someone who is sorry. But what about someone who is never sorry. Instead of apologising, blames you. And makes sure others blame you too or at least keep their distance.

If without repentance there can be no reconciliation, then forgiveness is this instance is not about rebuilding the relationship. It is about me finding freedom.

I have grieved the loss and have accepted the reality of the situation.

As long as you hold unforgiveness toward someone, you remain in bondage in your own soul. Your mind becomes a maze of whys? And what ifs? It becomes near impossible to move forward.

And it wasn’t just the one person. It was also the people who sided with the person that I needed to forgive as well. The people who have chosen to remain silent.

If those I considered ‘family’ were so quick to betray me, then who can I trust.

We could say that the person who hurt us doesn’t deserve it. And we would probably be right.

But you’re not doing it for them. This is for you. I am not choosing the difficult way of forgiveness for the sake of the other person. This is for me.

With forgiveness the journey toward healing can finally begin. In deciding to choose forgiveness, I began to have more writing inspiration again. It was as if I was holding my breath all this time, and had just one day decided to breathe once more.

Forgiveness isn’t usually something that happens quickly and superficially. Not if it’s attached to deep pain.

Again to quote Smedes “I worry about fast forgivers. They tend to forgive quickly in order to avoid their pain.”

Forgiveness takes time. There are layers. Sometimes it can feel like you are taking one step forward and two steps back. Even now I have days where it takes longer to choose forgiveness than others.

There is a memory that comes to your attention. Or you have an experience - something is said - that triggers the pain. And you are back reliving it. Each time that happens, it is an opportunity to face the pain and forgive.

If it helps I have some steps that I have been trying (try to be specific in each step):

Acknowledge what you lost

Forgive the person for what they did

Forgive them for how you felt as a result.

Forgive them for the lies you took on about yourself/others.

Ask; what is the truth about yourself?

I don’t forgive myself or forgive God during these steps because, in this situation I am not the guilty party. I lay the guilt at the feet of the person I am forgiving.

And yet there moments when I feel foolish for trusting such a person, and feel stupid. That is when I forgive myself. I choose to deal with the false guilt which tries to convince me that I am to blame for what someone else did to me.

As an aside, if you have been abused. It is not your fault. You are not to blame. Even though I know you will do somersaults in your brain trying to figure what you could have done differently to have prevented it. What happened to you. Is. Not. Your. Fault.

One thing I am trying more is when I am triggered, is to also forgive the person or people whose words/actions triggered me. It is not their fault. I have found that it dis-empowers that particular trigger. It helps to disassociate the past from the present. I am still a novice at this and don’t always remember to do it.

What has helped me to forgive, is the decision that I will not allow this person to rob my future from me.This person will not rob me of continuing to pursue vulnerability and connection with others. I will not give this person the power.

I think of that scene in The Labyrinth, when the girl finally faces the Goblin King and he tries every trick he has left to keep deceiving her. She finally clicks. She says the magic words. You have no power over me. His facade is destroyed and the world he built crumbles. She is free.

To the church leader who mistreated me. I forgive you. I forgive you for using our relationship to take advantage of my trust and my vulnerability. I forgive you for lying about me. I forgive you for the lie that you taught me that leaders cannot be trusted.

You have no power over me.

To those who have chosen to continue to align themselves with this leader, knowing what he has done to me and others, I forgive you. I forgive you for not being brave enough to speak up. I forgive you for teaching me the lie that those in your community will turn on you to protect themselves and therefore community is unsafe.

I am going to choose forgiveness. Even though it is not always easy. Even though it hurts. This is my choice. This is the path I choose.