Shame On You, Shame on Me

If we're going to find our way out of shame and back to each other, vulnerability is the path and courage is the light. - Brene Brown

We all experience shame at some point in our lives and to varying degrees.

It could be that uncomfortable feeling of guilt or humiliation when you believe that you have done something wrong, even when you haven’t. Or that feeling of not measuring up, of not being enough.

Comparison feeds shame. We may compare ourselves to others and feel that we fall short in certain areas of our lives compared to how we perceive their lives.

Their relationship

Their house

Their physical appearance

Their intelligence

Their talent

A word to the wise. Don’t judge a person’s life by what you see on social media.

Shame can cause us to retreat behind those masks we have created. We stay there, safe and sure of the protection we are convinced our masks have provided for us.

We can mask our shame of rejection by withdrawing.

We can mask our shame of sadness by appearing super happy.

We can mask our shame of not being good enough by being perfect.

We can mask our shame of not having the “right” image by making up fanciful stories about ourselves.

My mask?

My mask is to hide, to become the shrinking violet. To be the quiet one. The shy one.

There is less expectation when you are quiet. Most people tend not to pry too much. I can hide quite nicely behind being quiet and polite.

Until it becomes no longer comfortable. Because I am not being honest with myself or others. It is true that I am not loud or extroverted. But the ‘quiet’ label can be frustrating at times. I guess it’s similar for extroverts getting stuck with the ‘loud’ label. Sometimes it feels like an insult, even though that is not the intention. At times I am content to sit back and take everything in. At other times I want to be included, to be a participant in the conversation and not solely an observer.

Sometimes I am upset or afraid and I don’t know how to cloud it in laughter. Sometimes I get socially anxious. Sometimes a blank expression is hiding internal alarm bells. If I feel too ashamed to share what I am feeling. I can withdraw. I can withdraw physically or simply within myself.

I love Brene Brown. This is something you will discover about me. I love what she says about shame in her book Daring Greatly.

“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists - it is so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to whither. Just the way exposure to light was deadly for the gremlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it.”

I love what Mike King is doing for depression and suicide awareness in New Zealand. By keeping mental health in the spotlight and having conversations about it, removing the silence surrounding it. Depression is incredibly common and yet there is still so much stigma and misinformation surrounding it. The stigma creates silence. And in the silence, the shame grows. The shame of appearing weak. The shame of being seen as a burden. The shame of not being seen as being “up to the job”. The shame of the judgement from others - for not trying hard enough - you wouldn't have this if you just changed your diet, exercised more etc.

John Kirwin was an international sportsman representing New Zealand in rugby, when he first experienced depression. You can read his story in his book All Blacks Don’t Cry. He went public to help other men struggling with depression to be able to reach out for help. Depression doesn’t make someone less of a man (or a woman). Even though shame says that it does.

Shame usually affects men by convincing them that they need to always be the strong provider and defender. They cannot appear to be weak. Depression is considered weakness. (Just in case you need reminding: Depression is not a weakness, it is an illness) Certain emotions are considered weakness if displayed by men. “Feminine” emotions are considered a weakness in men. Anger seems to be an acceptable “masculine” emotion though. Although anger is a masking emotion. It masks fear and shame and pain. Anger gives the illusion of power.

Shame affects women by convincing them to do everything while making it appear effortless - the perfect woman. Shame convinces women that multitasking is actually something they can do. Women are brilliant multi-taskers. We repeat this mantra ad nauseum. Psychologists have studied multitasking, and discovered that it isn’t actually a thing. They have found that some people are good at switching their brains between tasks. And yet they have also found that the more you try to do at once, the poorer the quality your results will be. In other words, the more balls you juggle in the air, the more likely you will drop one (or two). The idea that women are amazing multi-taskers can actually be harmful to women, because truth is, we can’t do everything. (Don’t even get me started on ‘mother shaming’ - something women do to each other. You don’t have to be a mother to experience ‘mother shaming’. As ‘mother shaming’ also includes shaming women for not being mothers). Women are very good at policing these gender myths about women and men. (I feel another blog topic brewing)

The truth is, we were never designed to be able to accomplish everything on our own. We need each other. We need community. And yet we think that we should be able to live in such a way that we don’t need others. Shame tells us to not have any needs that we can’t meet ourselves. Or someone gets married and assumes that their spouse should be able to meet all their conceivable needs. This doesn't work either. That is a lot of pressure to put on one person in order to save face publicly. It takes a village...

Shame says that you should never air your dirty laundry in public. That is such an outdated saying that has helped to perpetrate decades, if not centuries, of silence regarding abuse. Didn’t you hear? Time is up on abuse.

Shame whispers in the ear of someone who has been abused. It tells them that they are damaged, broken, disgusting, dirty. That they are to blame for what happened to them. They were responsible to stop it. Shame keeps the abused quiet, and empowers the abuser.

I have felt and do feel shame in regards to experiencing depression, having needs, not being the perfect woman, of being abused.

I have had someone use shame as a tool to try to control me. He even used the very things I had the most shame about. Even now, as I write, I am recalling certain things he said that I had forgotten about. Some of those things I actually believed. But I will not be a victim. I am taking my power back by sharing about those very things I have shame about.

Shame kills accountability.

Shame kills vulnerability.

Shame kills creativity.

Shame kills connection.

The best response to shame is to destroy it by speaking it. Kill the silence that it so enjoys

Shame has convinced me to believe that I am not enough. Shame has at times convinced me to be ashamed of my very life.

I will speak to shame. Sometimes with a shaky voice. Sometimes in a whispered tone. I will speak. I will write. I may even meme. I will wrap words around it and watch it wither.