The V Word

Vulnerability.

That word may produce a myriad of thoughts and feelings in the person who reads it, or hears it.

I know that often what holds us back, is the fear of falling on our faces. Sometimes we step out and actually nothing terrible happens. But then there are times when we step out...and splat...on our face.

This has happened to me. And I am sure all of us. The risk of vulnerability becomes greater after the fall. Will I risk again, now that I know what the gravel tastes like?

Those life coach type people love to get you to find your passion by asking;

if you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?

It’s an odd question because there is always the risk of failure. I prefer the question;

What is something you would try even if you knew you could fail?

Vulnerability is that feeling of helpless fear you have when you are about to do or say something, and you have no control over the outcome.

Going to a job interview.

Waiting for the results of that test.

Telling someone you love them.

There is also that sickening regretful feeling you sometimes get after you have done something, vulnerable. And now you are left feeling kind of exposed.

For example when you share information about yourself with people and then think:

Did I say too much? They must think I’m an idiot.

The Cambridge dictionary defines vulnerable as “able to be easily physically, emotionally, or mentally hurt, influenced or attacked.”

Can I just say that beginning any statement with “I’m just being vulnerable”, doesn’t necessarily make what is about to come out of your mouth...vulnerable.

We have chosen vulnerability when we have opened ourselves up to others and have shown them a point of possible attack on us. And it’s not that the person will actually attack us, but we have allowed them to see something of ourselves that they could use against us, if willing.

As an example, many people have creativity wounds from childhood. Say someone used to love to draw, and then an adult (usually a parent or a teacher) told them that their drawings are terrible. Shame crept in and this child decided not to draw again. The thought of engaging in art reminds them of being that child again. It is easier to avoid that pain and humiliation of not allowing people to see their creative expression, because what if their art is awful? What if they are laughed at? What if they end up reliving the embarrassment of the past?

For someone like this, to draw a picture and to show it to you would require vulnerability on their part. They have shown you their “weak point”, a possible point of attack, and they don’t know what your response will be.

When I was primary school aged, I loved writing poetry. Later, when I was in high school, for an English assignment we could choose to produce poetry or something else. After reading samples of my work, my teacher told me that I should probably go with something else. It was a while before I wrote any poetry after that.

Vulnerability is exposing.

I felt that way after the last few blog posts I published. Talk about a ‘vulnerability hangover’. Every post that I share requires an act of vulnerability. I am a private person sharing my thoughts, feelings and my writing on the internet. But this time it was different. This time I shared part of my recent story. Some will love it. While others, not so much.

I am also aware of the allure that people have towards emotional voyeurism - trying to feel something through observing someone else's vulnerability without the risk of having to risk their own heart. I am not doing this for some kind of strange emotional entertainment.

One of my main goals for writing, is to somehow encourage others to be more vulnerable with their own lives. If perhaps someone saw that they were not alone in their thinking and/or their experience, then they would have the courage to live life a little less hidden.

If my honesty through my writing doesn’t inspire others to be honest with their own lives, then my writing hasn’t really achieved the purpose of my intention.

It is kind of weird writing this blog. I have shared some real stuff and I don’t have a clue how most people who read it feel about it. Once I publish something, it is now “out there” on the internet and out of my control. I sometimes feel like I am just tossing my heart up into the sky and hoping it will land safely.

Not everyone will like or believe your story. Not everyone will love you or accept you for who you are. Not everyone will honour and value your heart expressed. But that doesn’t decrease the value of either you, your heart or your story. If you are waiting for everyone to be ready with open arms before you step out and take a risk. You may be waiting a long time.

Vulnerability isn’t really optional. In living our lives, we make vulnerable choices every day.

We cannot have connection without vulnerability. Just as I said before in my post on Connection, Community and Prodigals.

The thought of opening myself up to experiencing relationships within community is quite scary. But I know the only way to experience community is to be vulnerable to community. I can’t sit back waiting until I discover a group of people who have it perfectly together before I let people see the real me.

We are humans. We will say things that will upset each other. We will do things that will rub one another up the wrong way. We are all figuring this out as we go along.

Yes there is such a thing as healthy common sense. You create boundaries to protect yourself from unsafe people and unsafe environments. But there is a difference between a boundary and a wall. Think of a boundary as a gate with you as the gatekeeper. You get to decide who to let through the gate to experience more of you. A wall is completely closed off and none shall enter. To climb the wall instead of being welcomed through the gate is to violate a person’s boundaries. You did not have permission or consent.

Some of us hide behind sarcasm and cynicism. We see the danger in being seen to care too much. If caring too much is a weak point, then pretending not to care becomes our armour. I am not surprised at how many people, I come across, with brutally sarcastic humour are actually quite sensitive souls. Sensitivity is not a weakness. Sensitivity, gentleness and kindness are actually what our world needs more of.

I am not saying to not ever be sarcastic. I myself have played the occasional game of Cards Against Humanity. I do enjoy a bit of sarcasm. What I am saying is that it is okay to let people see beyond the sarcasm now and then. You don’t have to play it cool all the time. There is nothing wrong with people seeing you geek out on your passions.

Vulnerability is a huge subject. I could never cover it all in one post. I leave you with this; To have love, creativity, relationships, community, life itself requires acts of vulnerability. So the V word is really quite unavoidable.