When Healing Hands Hurt

The church is often referred to as the hands and feet of Jesus. But what happens when those hands of Jesus cause people to hurt?

People are hurt in churches in numerous ways. From the back pew to the pulpit itself. People respond to the pain of their experience in different ways. Some stay. Some move to another church. Some stop attending altogether. Some even leave their faith altogether.

I understand why people leave their faith. If the person who hurt them is the “hands of Jesus”, then does that mean Jesus hurt them? The answer is a resounding no. If someone is behaving contrary to the character of God, then their behaviour is not therefore an extension of God. We can know that, but still the heart will feel what it feels.

Getting hurt in the church is something that happens to leaders as well as ‘regular’ attendees. People are capable of hurting each other, no matter their station. But what to do when/if it happens to you? What is the ‘appropriate’ way to respond?

People generally have answers when the hurt or offence was minor, but about when it is more than that? What do you do when the hurt goes beyond a simple misunderstanding? What do we do with something like spiritual abuse?

I hate abuse in all its forms. And recently I have been looking into spiritual abuse. I have discovered that it is more common than what I would have thought, and more common than many of us would like to believe.

Abuse is a tricky monster to navigate. Few church going folk are aware of it, let alone know what to do about it.

What is spiritual abuse? Here is a general definition:

“Spiritual abuse is coercion and control of one individual by another in a spiritual context. The target experiences spiritual abuse as a deeply emotional personal attack. This abuse may include: manipulation and exploitation, enforced accountability, censorship of decision making, requirements for secrecy and silence, pressure to conform, misuse of scripture or the pulpit to control behaviour, requirement of obedience to the abuser, the suggestion that the abuser has a ‘divine’ position, isolation from others, especially those external to the abusive context.” (Oakley,, L..RR.. & Kinmond,, K.. S.. (22013)) Breaking the silence on spiritual abuse. Palgrave McMillan)

Abuse, of any kind, often happens under people’s noses. This is one of the reasons it can be so devastating. There is usually never only one victim when it comes to abuse. There is the direct victim who experienced the abuse. And then there are those in close contact with either/or both the abuser and/or the victim, who had no idea what was happening. When everything comes out in the open and once people know, these people then have to process the heartbreak of their dream of the relationships shattered, and process the guilt of not being able to stop it from it having happened. Abuse is terrible for everyone involved. It is devastating to experience abuse and then have people look the other way because they didn’t want to experience the pain of their bubble bursting.

How do we recognise if we are experiencing this or we are part of a culture where this could be happening?

Here is a list of symptoms of spiritual abuse in a church culture as per Mark DeJesus. Hopefully you don't recognise many of these in your spiritual community. Maybe you have been part of a spiritual community where you saw this happening.

1. The standards of honour, respect and authority are distorted. Leadership becomes authoritarian. Even using force, intimidation and manipulation to get things done. People are conditioned to go along with whatever is happening.

2. Unsafe environments when it comes to dealing with problems. Problems not dealt with. Relationships not protected and ‘problem’ people demonised. “I’m right and you’re wrong.”

3. Heavy religious performance driven culture. As long as the ministry or church looks successful, everything is okay. Performance based culture with a heavy focus on how things look. People become commodities.

4. Fear and shame drive people into submission. A punishment based culture.

5. Emphasis on a charismatic leader who becomes the ultimate spokesperson on all spiritual issues. People are discouraged from or stop going to other sources to compare and investigate for themselves. No fact checking. Scripture is downplayed.

6. The leader’s sins and weaknesses are minimized while the people’s sins and weaknesses are maximized.

7. Over spiritualizing of everything. Having a spiritual answer for everything. Shutting down discussion or accountability with “God told me”.

8. Hovering over personal decisions in a person’s life. These leaders seek to control people.

9. A culture of exclusive spirituality. “We have the monopoly on God.” Very little appreciation for other churches or ministries. “We are the best church."

10. Heavy financial manipulation.

11. Creating an internal bubble that isolates people from their families, other ministries, etc.

12. Unwillingness to act with compassion towards those who leave. Those who leave are shunned or treated like an outcast. “They are not one of ‘us’ anymore”.

13. Isolated accountability structure. No accountability structure in place or no collaboration on decisions made.

14. A strong legalistic and religious pressure. People feel pressure to be better and perform better to be good enough.

There is a good reason to celebrate and encourage church unity and interaction among the wider family of faith. Yes it is good because the church is working and connecting the way she was designed to. For scripture says that where there is unity among the brethren, God commands a blessing (Psalm 133). But there are other benefits as well.

Church leaders in relationship can hold one another accountable when they see behaviour not befitting a minister of the gospel. If a church leader is choosing to distance themselves from the wider body and from the counsel of other leaders, that ought to be a red flag. Also when there is interaction amoung local churches, people can have a better appreciation of whether what they are seeing or experiencing in their community is normal. Cults, unsurprisingly, discourage this kind of interaction.

What do people do when the hands that were meant to be vessels for healing, instead become the weapons the break their souls? What if you are one of those people?

Firstly, cling to Jesus, the true healer. Study scripture about his character and nature. Spend time allowing him to bring healing. This is difficult. Our brains say yes of course, but our hearts say “I don’t want to hurt again.” For example, we may identify the pain as relating to the spiritual experience of being a Christ follower. The logic follows that if being a follower of Christ brings pain, then stop being a Christ follower.

Secondly, there are still good christians around who are not abusive. They are not perfect, but their goal is not to use their hands to hurt. One thing I was told by some I confronted who were behaving badly(abusively) was that I was demanding perfection, I wasn’t allowing them to make mistakes. I was misunderstanding them. One was disappointed that I was not receiving his love. (Actual wording). Stay in connection with caring believers who are better representatives of the hands of Jesus. It doesn’t have to be in organised church. For me, I have found it important to be able to interact with healthy church leaders and to continue to expose myself to healthy spiritual community. I know it isn’t easy though.

Thirdly, wounds don’t often heal in a heartbeat. Take your time and go at your own pace. Forgiveness is important and will need to happen at some point. But don’t put pressure on yourself to rush the process of forgiveness, in order to be a good christian, get it out of the way and move on quickly. Learn about the effects of abuse to help understand what is happening to you and help you with your journey forward. Get counselling. Find people who will patiently walk with you through it. What you went through is a big deal. You may go through a process of grieving. Grieving the loss of your church ‘family’, the time invested, the loss of dreams and expectations, the loss of relationships.

There will be those who won’t understand, who won’t say the right things. There will even be those who won’t believe you, who will minimise what happened to you. Just know that you are not alone in your experience. There are (sadly) others who have been where you are right now. You are not a failure. You are not crazy. You are not to blame. You are not a bad christian.

The hands of people may at times bring pain, but the hands of Jesus are always to heal. Even now.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me,

Because the Lord has anointed Me

To preach good tidings to the poor;

He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,

To proclaim liberty to the captives,

And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;

To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord,

And the day of vengeance of our God;

To comfort all who mourn,

To console those who mourn in Zion,

To give them beauty for ashes,

The oil of joy for mourning,

The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;

That they may be called trees of righteousness,

The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:1-3